That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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