So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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