Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks