Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
