the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
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THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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