I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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