Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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