Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
