Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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