Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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