I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier