I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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