There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
