Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
