Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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