you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
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woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
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He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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