The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
