her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
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You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
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Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want