I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU