Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm just crazy horny about you
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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