Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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