I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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