you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
The power of my boobs compel you
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
