Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
