Princesses don't give blow jobs
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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