yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
