as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
