i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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