i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
