Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
