I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
