I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
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My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
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Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
A bitchslap is in order.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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