someone owes me an orgasm
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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