dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
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