Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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