My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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