Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
