I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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