so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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