i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
