So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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