And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
