I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
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Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀