I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.