Well douche your snatch and let's go!
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
