Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
