my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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