Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
North Korea, Best Korea!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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