She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
