why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
