He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize