I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Lo siento on account of my penis...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
