Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.